I don’t know how many minutes 412 days is, but the last five of the match I spent under a blanket to shield me from our inevitable collapse. I’ve just now emerged wide-eyed to see we did, in fact, win in a region not called Andalucía, in a city not called Seville, and in a barrio not called Nervión.
Who did it? These guys:
Beto, Diogo, Fazio, Pareja, Alberto, Iborra, Carriço, Jairo, Rakitic, Vitolo and Bacca (also: Cristóforo, Perotti, Reyes)
Oh, and Elbow Pads Emery.
Due to the 4am kickoff in my time zone, I had to miss this one except the final six minutes, five of which I spent under my blanket. Sooooo, I’ll just have to imagine how watching it must have been:
Shit. Shit shit shit shit. Ugh, shits.
We at Monchi’s Men would like to celebrate this away victory by reviewing all the great one-liners we’ve written in the past about the away losing streak. That well ran dry early in May, but we kept pressing on just like our heroes! Here we go!
1. “I’m about to decide not to watch Sevilla’s away matches for the remainder of the season. It is costing me psychologically.” -Shendm, in March. Just you wait, Shendm!!
2. “Sure, we have the worst away record in La Liga, but that doesn’t matter, because it’s the derbi sevillano.” -Jeremy, in April. Denial.
3. “We’ve now won fewer away matches than any other team in Primera and fewer away matches than any team in Segunda.” -me, in April. Only beginning to wallow in it.
4. “1 point is better than 0 and we were playing away, so that’s kinda positive.” -Niller, in May. So that’s kinda straw grasping.
5. “Can we get our first away win in the league in 11 months tonight?” -@SevillaFC_en, in August. No, sir! We cannot!
6. “I can’t be the only Sevilla fan sort of morbidly hoping we go a year w/o away win? It’s a unique accomplishment to be sure.” -@Monchismen, in August. Acceptance.
7. “Maybe we start putting our hopes on Depor getting promoted? And then playing them away next year?” -@Monchismen, in September. Please, Depor. We need you.
8. “The count is now up to 391 days, and if that’s not a record I’m going to go ahead and guess the company we’re keeping on that list are some pretty shitty teams (sorry, our staff researcher at the Monchi’s Men head offices is on vacation so I’m reduced to just speculating what research would show me if I were to find it).” -Jeremy, in October. Laughter feels better.
9. “But this week our just-like-Navas-in-that-they-don’t-travel-well heroes head to Valladolid.” -Jeremy, in October. Haha… Navas. [weeps bitterly]
10. “And of course, there’s this little “difficulty” our team has winning matches away from Seville.” -René, this weekend. I’m sure that’s what Emery calls it, too.
So, you see, we were flat out of ways to understand this situation and have felt great relief at the death of this monkey that we thought very well may just live the rest of its years on our back. But we poisoned that monkey.
Said Li’l Alberto in his post-match interview: “Eh mono tá muehto.”