Breaking News: Barca to buy Sevilla FC

Barcelona president Sandro Rosell today made two historic announcements, first revealing that naming rights to the Camp Nou have been sold to the 2022 Qatar World Cup, and following that bombshell the Catalunyan executive announced that with the capital raised, combined with the fact that his club is (in his words) “rich as f*ck so what do we care?”, the club has decided to purchase the entirety of Sevilla FC.

“We’ve been buying their roster piece-wise for several years now, and while we don’t usually mind spending all our money on players, this seemed like the most efficient approach, both from a fiscal as well as paperwork perspective. It’s such a pain to always be signing so many contracts and bank transfers, so this made the most sense.”

Rosell then stopped for applause, but the small band of Barcelonans present at the press conference were mostly silent, either unsure what to think or say about such a move, or completely unfazed by this obvious next step in Barcelona’s increasing “buy everything” policy. Rosell shifted his weight uncomfortably, and then his face brightened and he declared:

“CATALUNYA NO ES ESPAÑA!!!”

To which the crowd erupted in cheers and spontaneous purchasing of Jesus Navas Barcelona jerseys.

In America, fans of the club raged at Rosell’s audacity in selling the naming rights to the stadium, lamenting that Rosell continued to insist on monetizing the club and wondering if they can still condescendingly say “més que un club” to Real Madrid fans. Simultaneously, they rejoiced that finally they’d have a decent player in Rakitic to fill the direly needed 7th spot on the midfield depth chart.

“I have no idea where money comes from or how exactly we are able to afford these world-class bench-warmers. Also I hate Ro$€££ [ugh, sic] for bringing money to the club. And also I am very glad we have those players,” said one fan, while creating his ideal “shopping list” of the 5 world-class strikers he hopes Barcelona will buy this summer.

Del Nido could not be reached for comment, although reports coming out of Portugal suggest that he will use some of the $250 billion transfer fee to purchase the country of Portugal in an attempt to realize his dream of starting a league without Barcelona and Real Madrid.